Club Politique by Che Tibby

Sex, Drugs, and on the Dole.

I must have selectively edited the word ‘sporting’ the other day, because I immediately assumed the celebrity involved with drugs was that Hayley Westenra. After all, it’s always the quiet ones. And there’s just something about anyone who’s so damned clean cut that makes me instantly suspicious.

Of course, when I did find out I was instantly disappointed. I mean, were you surprised?

And speaking of suspicious, why in the hell is John Howard always at the that scene of terror attacks? This is not the first time extremists have struck when Johnnie is around. I have a message for the terrorists. These are directions to where Johnnie lives, it’s called Kirribilli House and it’s in SYDNEY… Leave the nice Londoners alone. I swear, if I was more conspiracy minded I’d think he was manufacturing attacks to shore up support in Australia.

The good news though is that now the people in that space can blog about it. I can see it now, “Today, I watched a big blue ball turn". “Today, I saw some clouds on the big blue ball". “Today, I heard that little Johnnie was almost run over by a bus on his morning power-walk, and then I watched the continents drift by". Riveting stuff.

But, the scandal most impressing me is the accusation that Julian Robertson is somehow covertly funding the National Party. The supremely clean-cut Dr. Brash is happy to describe Mr. Robertson as a personal friend, as the NZ Herald points out, so maybe there is some truth to the matter that Mr. Robertson might have donated a large sum of cash to the election campaign.

Now, before you go flying off the handle, I believe that this is called, ‘lobbying’. Having access to prominent political figures and donating money to their activities is hardly scandalous behaviour. In fact, it’s more commonly known as ‘normal political behaviour’. Sorry to those of you who might truly believe that politics is always conducted in the interests of the people, but no, it is not. Politics is all too often conducted in secret, and with borderline dodgy behaviour.

I’ve heard that many of the Fourth Labour Government reforms were actually argued out in the Fish and Chip shop that used to be over the road from Parliament. Or the pub.

As for the larger allegations, that the Bush Administration is secretly directing the National Party, well, I’m thinking that that is probably rubbish, but it’s a great dogwhistle all the same. Pesky damn CIA controlling the world.

There’s a conspiracy theory in Australia that the CIA was responsible for the death of the PM Harold Holt for example. Holt was opposed to the war in Vietnam you see. So, putting the pieces of the puzzle together, Helen is opposed to the war in Iraq, and the CIA is interfering with New Zealand politics…

Helen, STAY AWAY FROM THE WATER.

The bigger question is why Robertson would front with so much cash. It’s not like he has recently had an unfavourable decision from the Environment Court. Nor is there anything wrong with him buying up sizeable acreage in the South Island. Likewise, if there is opposition from some damn hippies to his redeveloping some of New Zealand’s more beautiful landscapes into gaudy playgrounds for the rich, what’s wrong with that? And lastly, if the RMA is getting the way of his plans to develop parts of New Zealand, then what’s wrong with him lobbying the National Party for change?

After all, foreign investment is what makes the New Zealand economy tick. Because you and I are such freaking spendthrifts, there simply isn’t enough domestic capital to keep the investments we need moving and Labour, like National, knows that you need guys like Robertson bringing their cash over. Whether this means that the CIA is pulling strings is another matter altogether though, and something that I’d quite like to see details of before I jump to any outrageous conclusions.

And finally, it seems that some in Australia want to ban Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Now, you want ‘PC Gone Mad’? This is the best example for years. If you’ve played the game you’ll know you can KILL anyone in the game. You can drag anyone out of any vehicle you see and BEAT THEM TO DEATH with your bare hands. You can buy/sell drugs. You can steal anything, shoot down choppers with surface-to-air missiles, and get away with it all as long as a cop doesn’t actually see you.

But if it depicts two people gettin’ jiggy? Ban it.

A weird, topsy-turvy world. Let’s ask the American space bloggers if it can be turned back up the right way. Guys, little help?

PS And sorry team, can't let on re:celebs. Besides, my info is probably mostly dodgy...